Q&A: Why Some Gendered Words Feel Right—And Others Don’t

I recently received a question: “I know you use they/them pronouns, but does being called ‘ma’am’ or ‘she’ feel the same as being called ‘sir’ or ‘he’?” Thank you for this thoughtful question—let’s break it down.

Understanding Pronouns and Gendered Language

First, let’s talk about what a pronoun is. A pronoun is a word that replaces a noun. For example, instead of saying Chris every time, I can say I, and someone else might refer to me as you. Personal pronouns like she/her, he/him, and they/them function the same way—they allow us to refer to people without repeating names.

I use they/them pronouns, so rather than saying Chris is a they/them, you’d say Chris uses they/them pronouns. It’s important not to assume someone’s pronouns because pronouns are deeply personal, whether a person is trans or cis. Some women might not want to use she/her, and some men might not feel comfortable with he/him. The idea that certain pronouns belong to specific genders is a social construct—just like all words are social constructs.

Why Certain Words Feel Different to Me

For me, I don’t like being called words that are socially constructed as masculine—like he, him, sir, buddy, or dude. Some people see dude as gender-neutral, and that’s great for them, but it doesn’t feel that way to me. However, I am completely comfortable with words that are traditionally considered feminine.

That’s because I identify as trans femme, meaning my gender and assigned sex at birth don’t align. I don’t see myself as a man or a woman in the binary sense. But if gender is a spectrum, I feel I fall somewhere on the feminine side. That’s why I’m fine with she/her pronouns, being called ma’am, and hearing words like beautiful or stunning. In contrast, a word like handsome feels masculine to me, and while I don’t get called handsome every day, I’d much rather be called beautiful.

It’s All Personal

At the end of the day, language is deeply personal. What feels right for one person might not feel right for another. That’s why it’s always best to ask and respect what people prefer. Thank you again for the great question!